Pshh

Last night I was escaping from a monkey town and I was hiding in these hill billies minivan and we were stopped at a gas station and the guys following us caught up with us and I offered to take them to Disneyland and they thought about it for a second then agreed so we all went there and I tried to escape again but there was a guy handing out martinis at the Disneyland Park so when I passed him I couldn't resist and I ordered a vodka martini shaken not stirred with a splash of raspberry sake and then I had them put it in a spill proof martini glass and I ran away really fast and then Goofy was fondling me on the tram and I punched him in the larynx and ran to my car.

Moral of the story: Don't eat cat food


now playing: Solex - Randy Costanza

The King Returns

So Jeff posted down below me about how he was in an accident and how he dreamed about the Burger King guy who scares him and I am also frightened of him, but what I'm about to tell you will both terrify you and mystify you...

I was there when Jeff woke up, he spends the night at the place that I sleep, and... no shit, when he woke up, he was sweating and screaming and I was all "jeff? what's wrong?" and he was all "oh dude, that fucking burger king guy, the big one, he was after me and shit" and I was like "no way dude, that guy is crazy scary" and jeff was all "yeah I know but it was just a dream" and then...we looked down in Jeff's hands and he was holding a huge gold crown that said "BK" on it. Then we cut our arms up with broken wine bottles.

Yeah, and I'm so totally scared of the bald guy from the Six Flags commercials too. Fuck that dancin' guy, man He's the devil!!!

Yokels

So the other day i was chattin up some yokels on the topic of religion and i expressed some views that were not nearly as conservative nor traditional as the aforementioned yokels, but instead of responding with witch-burning-fervor, they nodding in understanding and said "i accept your beliefs as different than mine"


oooo lookit me goin all controversial, oh dear what happened to the lighthearted lies of the past! TOO MUCH ANGST! we emo kids ruin everything, ah well.

The Skinny On "Skin"

Last night I spent the night in a hotel in a shit town in the desert in California and before the clock struck 3 am, I was watching my lover peel the skin off of his body from the neck down. He'd decided the right thing to do was to get tribal on me and I require that my men graft my skin onto theirs in a sexual exchange of raw fluids and fatty tissue. Rubbing alcohol reconstitued the orange juice concentrate to a high enough pH level such as was needed for the skin transfer, and as long as the hyperbaric chamber surrounding said area contained no larger an oxygen level than 18% dilution, we'd be fine. It was working!!! Hydrogen pockets were set at North/South/East/West poles which held the charge in an elevated position until the airspeed velocity of the Neoplastic brackets reached 16 kph. Then we got freak nasty and it was done. Hot, no?

I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

My heart felt like it was beating in my head. I could feel each pump of my pulse as if it were a shockwave of energy radiating through my entire body. The sound of crunching leaves and heavy breathing surrounded us as we ran.

We were trying to get away, to hide. I look back now and realize that trying to run and sneak in the forrest in autumn is almost damned impossible. We could hear their staggered shuffle, not too far away from us. I had my dad's remington shotgun. When he died, it was all he left to me. Funny, at the time, I was so angry with him. I deserved so much more. But at that precise moment, I clung to that gun as if it was my very life itself.

My brother had my grandfather's service revolver. I asked him how many rounds he had left. He signaled for me to shut up, and then rasied four fingers. Great. Four shots. I had only two 12-guage shells left. We'd only run about a half-mile away from our father's childhood home. A shabby little gray house. It didn't resemble a house anymore, it has been nearly 25 years since anyone had even been in the place. Or so we thought.

I nodded over to my brother and we got ready to run again. The closer that shuffle got, the more my heart pounded in my ears. My nerves, my entire body was screaming "RUN YOU STUPID FUCK.", but at the same time, I was simply paralyzed with fear.

What were they? I'd never seen anything like them. I'd never been so frightened in my life.

It was as we started running to the dirt trail that led back to the main highway about three miles out. When we reached the dirt trail, we ran as hard as we could.

Suddenly, on my right, a voice managed to screech out my name. "Micheal." I stopped dead in my tracks, sliding slightly forward on the dry earth, as I whipped to my right. There, for the first time, I saw them for what they really were.

And it wretched a fear so deep out of me, I nearly fainted.