Lipstick Love Letters

Last year when I was a super hero, I was in the middle of saving a family of herons and their nest when I got a phone call from the president of the United States of America. He requested that I return to the motherland immediately in my invisible jet, which was powered by Grapermelon Slurpees and taco sauce. Hopping in my plane, I got distracted by a small ethiopian woman, pulling her hair out of a comb made with rhinoceros ribs strung together with glue made from rendered warthog fat. She seemed to me to appear in a trance of sorts, so I approached her just to make sure she was ok. As I got nearer to her, I could hear her humming a quiet little hymn which seemed to come out of the air at me. The humming penetrated my soul, nearly causing me to fall into a hypnotic trance before I snapped myself out of it and realized that she had a nazi tattoo on the back of her right elbow. I was nearly duped! By an ethiopian infidel! I wrapped my arms around her neck and began to choke her as I yelled into her ear "WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT OF ME? SPEAK WOMAN!!!" She began to tell me of how the Germans took over her small village many years ago and in return for her people's loyalty, they would keep the village's most prized posession a secret. She told me of how her people had inherited the Ark of the Covenant, and how there had been many a plague and disease to come to their small land, but as long as they kept the ark safe, they did not surely die. I listened to her story for a few minutes more before I noticed out of the corner of my eye a small monkey, drinking out of a bottle. I kept my eye on it for a moment more, til I realized that it had a name tag on its chest that read "Capt. Plasterneck". He wore a red suit of glimmering satin and black saddle shoes that had metal taps on the bottom. He began to tap dance for me and when he was finished, the woman and I gave him a standing ovation, then we all went to IHOP for stuffed crepes.