You found what in your chili?

It was when I stopped slapping him that he finally realized the truth of my words. The damned place was haunted. How could it not be with the sort of death dealing that happens here. Of course no one ever expects to be haunted by cattle. But this is where we worked, and this is how we lived. The slaughter house. I swear to you I seen ole Bessy come right through that wall over there, chewing her ectoplasmic cud. She's looking for revenge I tell ya. Wrongs need to be righted or her bovine soul will never find peace. It's just, how do you fix that. She's been turned into Big Mac's already. I suspect one day I might mysteriously end up in a meat grinder. Or a hoagie perhaps. Then you can sue for all the money in the world and have Michael Bay produce a high budget film to commemorate the fall of Bessy. Maybe, sure was tasty though.

He Was A Tiny, Hairy Man, But Boy Could He Love...

Fourteen years ago I made the aquaintance of a man while I was touring the country on my large, red tricycle. I had just pulled into a diner to sup on some greasy food when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned just in time to see a small hairy man approaching, a limp in his step and a top hat on his head. He couldn't have been more than 4 feet tall, but something in his eyes led me to believe that although he was small in stature, he was HUGE in spirit.

He walked up and tugged on my shirt and said "Miss. I saw you approaching on your lovely tricycle. I, myself, ride a tricycle and have been a fan of the contraption since I was but a young boy. If you don't mind, may I ask why you ride such a device?"

I stood still, unsure of what to say, and then I replied "Let's go inside. Join me for diner foods, and I shall tell you whatever you desire to hear."

We went inside and the afternoon turned into night, and after hours of delightful conversation, we found ourselves drawn to eachother in such a manner that when we left eachother for our seperate destinations, we shared a most passionate kiss.

After we parted, I heard whisper on the wind of him all over the rest of the world. The hairy man on the tricycle was a legend in his own right, and I feel privileged to have ever made his aquaintance. May we meet again, oh hairy dwarf. I'll watch the sunrise for your tiny shadow fortnightly.

The broken smile of Walter P. Tuckson.

From the Diary of "The Oregon Trail on Acid":

Year 2:

Sitting around a slowly dieing fire, growling bellies furiously screaming "ROSEBUD....ROSEBUD."
We began to see things not of this world. I saw a giant turkely leg, dancing and singing an Irish Folk song.

I knew I must be hallucinating because my pistol told be to pay attention to Teddy T.

"Man, I'm hungry.", Said Ol' Teddy T. "I'm so hungry I could eat a goddamned horsecock."

Teddy, as you could guess was not exactly the sharpest pear in the basket of heads, but then, after 200 days of exhaustion and surviving solely on acid laced boot soles...none of us were.

"Teddy, you can't eat horsecocks. Everyone knows it's the horse anus that's most delicious.", snapped Jed the Fisherman. Jed the Fisherman, incidently knew nothing about fishing. He was called Jed the Fisherman because he loved to take Fish and stick em down his pants. Once down his pants, he would chase the local ladies with his floppy fish dangler.

"I'll fuckin' kill you, Jed, if you touch my horsie cocks.", said Teddy angrily.

Jed didn't say anything, but fired a look at me that meant serious business tea time scrumpets would soon be due. I fired him back a look that carried with it the luggage of a rich woman with side saddles.

I tried to calm everyone down, but I was so fucked up on the acid boots, that I just ended up taking off my clothes and flopping around on the ground like a worm.

"I'm the Worm King, you bastards.", I growled into the night sky.

"THE WORM KING!, I TELL YOU!!!"

Rabbit Stew

See, there's this one town where everything is backwards and everyone does silly things that normally would seem strange to all of us. One day, a tiny rabbit was hanging out with another rabbit and they'd been friends for a long time but then one of them drank this fermented carrot juice and the rabbit was drunk but the other rabbit liked playing with the drunk rabbit even when she wasn't drunk and then giggling started, and a sheep came over and didnt like the giggling because it was bad. See giggling was only allowed between rabbits and sheep, not rabbits and rabbits, but they didn't realize how crazy they were getting really, but still kind of yes. Anyway. The rabbits parted...and the sheep was mad... and everyone just needed to sober up and love eachother again.