Monster Beast

So get this, I took my car into the shop to get fixed and this guy looked at it and said that he thought something was jammed up in the exhaust pipe and that he'd have to get in there and see, so um, I sat down and watched through the glass window in the lobby as he got on the ground and crap and then this freakin huge furry head came outof the exhaust pipe and bit him on the shoulder and I was totally trippin and crap so I started screaming "THERE'S A BEAST THERE'S A BEAST!" and the lame ass 16 year old receptionist was like "Huh? What beach? Pshh, no way dude, I'm totally from San Diego and this is Las Vegas lady, there isn't no beaches here in the desert, mmmkay?" and I was so distracted by her grammatical errors that I just forgot about the monster-beast and got in my car and drove it home cuz it totally sounded fine since the monster was out of my exhaust and now running loose and shit.

Sweater Weather

So, today I was riding my bike to work, when this bright orange pickup truck slows down and just stays right behind me. I could just see him out of the corner of my eye, but I didn't want to lose focus on the road so I didn't turn to look at him. I'm all "Go on!" waving my hands and shit like some crossing guard on crack, and he just kept there. Well, I was getting pissed so I just stopped. That fucker stopped right with me. Well, now I lose it and turn around ready to give him the hairy eyeball and just then noticed the hood on my orange sweatshirt. The end.

Best Picture: Ray!

What a wonderful show we saw tonight folks. Let me start by telling you who the big winners were. For Best Actress in a Leading Role, the winner was Imelda Staunton for her performance in Vera Drake. I love it when they give it to the old lady. Next was Best Actor, won by Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby (Go old people!). I mean, come on, did anyone else even have a chance against this legend? Last but certainly not least was Best Picture and after being completely shut out the entire night, it was quite a happy shock to see the movie Ray finally get it's due. Small movies like this deserve credit too folks. Wow! What a night. I do feel really sorry for Morgan Freeman though. Can't a brotha get a break in this town?!

Just warming up.

I never got my Blogger invite so I can post to this blog.

Pizza Duck To The Rescue

I worked at this pizza place one time and the guy who managed it was this gross, greasy and nasty italian guy who was always trying to get in my pants. One time, he got me in the walk in freezer and told me he'd give me a week off with pay and $100 if I let him do me right there on the piles of mozzarella, when suddenly we heard a "quack!!!" which distracted him for a second so I could run past, and as I did I ran smack into a man carrying a duck, standing out in the waiting room chairs looking at the menu board. No shit.

okay so

one time i was like walking through campus and the crazy rubber band man asked me for a dollar to buy coke and he meant like the cola but i thought he meant the good kind so i was like "COCAINE KILLED MY FATHER AND RAPED MY MOTHER" and he was like "holy mother maybe you should flick the rubber band, crazy lady" so i was like "aight" so he went to my class and i flicked the rubber band and rocked back and forth and hummed and people tossed money in my hat.

I Had So Much Fun!!!

Ooooo, this morning I went to the quick care with some awesome pains in my stomach and it was so fun and the circus came in and we played and I got calls from everyone who loves me with messages of support and love and I didn't even cry ONCE when the doctor told me what was going on in my body! Then I had a seance and called upon my dead grandmother who told me that she hid a million dollars in a silver bucket in the barn. Then I found the bucket and I bought myself a new Aston Martin and pretended to be a Bond girl for a minute and some guys on the strip saw me and told me I was hot in that car and I pulled my sunglasses down a tiny bit and said super sexily "yeah, well your mother smells like a goat hole" and they died.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Haloscan Is The BEST!

I love it. I just wanted to put this haloscan auto-message on my blog for funsies cuz THATS HOW MUCH FUN I LIKE HAVING ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Liz Is A Slut

One time I was in a phone booth and Liz Hurley was all on my jock like white on rice and I just had to tell her to stop. Women!

By guest Liar: BROOKS THE EVERLASTING

I Swear, Yo

One time I was a mexican. It was crazy.

George Chomperville

I once met a man who had wooden teeth, like George Washington.

Once I Was Being Chased By A Wookie

One time I was being chased by a wookie on rollerskates and I was running way fast and the wookie was skating faster and faster until it caught up with me then we fell to the ground and like, this guy walked by and thought we were humping and I was all "no freakin way dude" but then I was embarassed so I got up and punched the wookie right in his wookie nuts but then it was a girl so we laughed about it and went for cocoa.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

aesese

lkdsjflskdjf

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.