Saturday Night's Alright...

No one is going to post a lie today.

A fountain blew up, I needed a dime, and I was shot.

Okay so back when I was living in Seattle, I used to walk around everyday, because I had no job and no car. And everyday, I would pass by this little fountain next to an overpass, where people would throw in coins and make wishes. Often people would try to toss in a coin while driving over the overpass, but usually they would miss. I would always pick up the coins that didn't land in the fountain. Sometimes I'd find $20-$30 in change lying in the grass. Well after a year or two of this, I finally had enough money to go buy the fabulous drumset I'd been dreaming of since I was but yea high. Well I got to the music shop, and I tossed my bag of change down on the counter, and said "I want that drumset in the window" and the cashier began counting out my change....only to discover that I was 10 cents short. I was heartbroken! Only 10 more cents! So close to my dreams, and yet the fountain had been destroyed that very morning in a tragic accident in which a huge semi transporting explosives drove off the overpass and landed in it with fiery gusto. Well, I sadly left the music shop and began wandering the streets until I found myself back at the site of the fountain in all it's heartbreaking rubble. And then suddenly....beneath the overpass, amid the weeds, bracken, and cement foundation poles, i saw something shiny! I carefully crawled over teh rubble and there......lo and behold......was my desparately sought after dime! Unfortunately, that's when the roadside clean up crew saw me, and started chasing me with guns calling me a thief cuz they thought I was stealing wish money from the fountain. I tried to yell out my explaination over my shoulder, but their tommy guns made too much noise for them to hear me. They chased me all the way to Queen Anne, but I managed to make my way to the U District where I lost them in the crowd. I bought my drumset. And my dreams came true.

Tru Dat

So today I was walking down Santa Monica Boulevard and I happened to step onto a grate coming out of the ground and it blew my dress up and so I reached down and held it to my legs and then somebody thought I was Marilyn Monroe and asked me for an autograph and I yelled "SHE'S DEAD MOTHERFUCKER!" and they ran away.

Ford Ranger XLT

Yesterday was the five year anniversary of a very important day in my life. Five years ago was the first time that I ate eggs. Why is this so important? Well, I bet myself when I was a little kid that I could go for the rest of my life without eating eggs and I stuck with that promise for a long time before I realized that it was a stupid idea. I mean, why would anyone not eat eggs just because they bet themselves they wouldn't? I didn't even have an allergy or a particular aversion to eggs, but I was a strange kid. So on March 2nd 2000 I had eggs for the first time and you know what? I like them. I've missed out on a lot of egg eating in my days and I'm hell bent on making up for lost time. Today I had two eggs. That's right folks, two. I hope I don't get sick of them. All this to setup this song: Eggs

Mt. Everest

Did I ever tell you guys about my expedition to Everest? Really? Well, here goes. About twenty years ago I was going out with this girl that was kinda hippy like, except that she shaved her legs. I mean, I'm a modern guy and all, but I can't handle furry legs on a chick. I'll be cool with a little growth when times are hectic and all, but I don't like waking up in the middle of the night thinking a guy climbed in bed with me. Scary! So, she was in this cult... uh, I mean club, that liked to hike and stuff. We used to go all over the High Sierras and look at trees and grass and dirt and stuff and it was cool, but she used to get a little cranky when we went camping because she would have to go for days without shaving her legs. Her stubble was the sharpest stubble I've ever felt and she would bitch and moan all night because her inner thighs were getting all sore from the tiny needles poking her all night. She couldn't even sleep with a sheet in between her legs because the stubble poked right through! Anyway, we were out one weekend checking out Sequoia National Park and the greatest idea in the world hit me like a logging truck. Tweezers! That's right folks, I would get out my magnifying glass and pull her legs hairs out one by one starting with the inner thighs and she was the happiest girl on earth. The end. Oh, wait, what was I going to talk about again?

Skiing Accident

Once i was in a skiing accident, and I had to wear a full body cast for like 2 months, and there i was in teh hospital bed, when in walks a hobo and he wasn't like one of those nice friendly schizophrenic hoboes either, he was like one of the scary freaky possibly-on-meth hoboes that picks over dead bodies for change, and anyways, he was all like "i'm takin your jello, kid" and i was like "heck no man i need that jello for hydration" and he was like "hydrate this!" and then he gulped down all my jello and ran out of the room laughing. : (

Monster Beast

So get this, I took my car into the shop to get fixed and this guy looked at it and said that he thought something was jammed up in the exhaust pipe and that he'd have to get in there and see, so um, I sat down and watched through the glass window in the lobby as he got on the ground and crap and then this freakin huge furry head came outof the exhaust pipe and bit him on the shoulder and I was totally trippin and crap so I started screaming "THERE'S A BEAST THERE'S A BEAST!" and the lame ass 16 year old receptionist was like "Huh? What beach? Pshh, no way dude, I'm totally from San Diego and this is Las Vegas lady, there isn't no beaches here in the desert, mmmkay?" and I was so distracted by her grammatical errors that I just forgot about the monster-beast and got in my car and drove it home cuz it totally sounded fine since the monster was out of my exhaust and now running loose and shit.

Sweater Weather

So, today I was riding my bike to work, when this bright orange pickup truck slows down and just stays right behind me. I could just see him out of the corner of my eye, but I didn't want to lose focus on the road so I didn't turn to look at him. I'm all "Go on!" waving my hands and shit like some crossing guard on crack, and he just kept there. Well, I was getting pissed so I just stopped. That fucker stopped right with me. Well, now I lose it and turn around ready to give him the hairy eyeball and just then noticed the hood on my orange sweatshirt. The end.

Best Picture: Ray!

What a wonderful show we saw tonight folks. Let me start by telling you who the big winners were. For Best Actress in a Leading Role, the winner was Imelda Staunton for her performance in Vera Drake. I love it when they give it to the old lady. Next was Best Actor, won by Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby (Go old people!). I mean, come on, did anyone else even have a chance against this legend? Last but certainly not least was Best Picture and after being completely shut out the entire night, it was quite a happy shock to see the movie Ray finally get it's due. Small movies like this deserve credit too folks. Wow! What a night. I do feel really sorry for Morgan Freeman though. Can't a brotha get a break in this town?!

Just warming up.

I never got my Blogger invite so I can post to this blog.

Pizza Duck To The Rescue

I worked at this pizza place one time and the guy who managed it was this gross, greasy and nasty italian guy who was always trying to get in my pants. One time, he got me in the walk in freezer and told me he'd give me a week off with pay and $100 if I let him do me right there on the piles of mozzarella, when suddenly we heard a "quack!!!" which distracted him for a second so I could run past, and as I did I ran smack into a man carrying a duck, standing out in the waiting room chairs looking at the menu board. No shit.

okay so

one time i was like walking through campus and the crazy rubber band man asked me for a dollar to buy coke and he meant like the cola but i thought he meant the good kind so i was like "COCAINE KILLED MY FATHER AND RAPED MY MOTHER" and he was like "holy mother maybe you should flick the rubber band, crazy lady" so i was like "aight" so he went to my class and i flicked the rubber band and rocked back and forth and hummed and people tossed money in my hat.

I Had So Much Fun!!!

Ooooo, this morning I went to the quick care with some awesome pains in my stomach and it was so fun and the circus came in and we played and I got calls from everyone who loves me with messages of support and love and I didn't even cry ONCE when the doctor told me what was going on in my body! Then I had a seance and called upon my dead grandmother who told me that she hid a million dollars in a silver bucket in the barn. Then I found the bucket and I bought myself a new Aston Martin and pretended to be a Bond girl for a minute and some guys on the strip saw me and told me I was hot in that car and I pulled my sunglasses down a tiny bit and said super sexily "yeah, well your mother smells like a goat hole" and they died.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Haloscan Is The BEST!

I love it. I just wanted to put this haloscan auto-message on my blog for funsies cuz THATS HOW MUCH FUN I LIKE HAVING ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Liz Is A Slut

One time I was in a phone booth and Liz Hurley was all on my jock like white on rice and I just had to tell her to stop. Women!

By guest Liar: BROOKS THE EVERLASTING

I Swear, Yo

One time I was a mexican. It was crazy.

George Chomperville

I once met a man who had wooden teeth, like George Washington.

Once I Was Being Chased By A Wookie

One time I was being chased by a wookie on rollerskates and I was running way fast and the wookie was skating faster and faster until it caught up with me then we fell to the ground and like, this guy walked by and thought we were humping and I was all "no freakin way dude" but then I was embarassed so I got up and punched the wookie right in his wookie nuts but then it was a girl so we laughed about it and went for cocoa.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

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Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.